You must be careful about the words you allow in your house

“Words are things, I am convinced. You must be careful, careful about the words you use. Or the
words you allow to be used in your house.

You must be careful
Careful about calling people out of their names

Using racial pejoratives and sexual pejoratives
And all that ignorance
Don’t do that

Someday we’ll be able to measure the power of words

I think they are things
I think they get on the walls, they get in your wallpaper, they get in your rugs
In your upholstery, in your clothes and finally…
Into you.”        - Maya Angelou

The other night I attended an International Women's Day event at the Okanagan Heritage Museum. There was a panel of five, who discussed a number of varying topics from indigenous rights to gender equality to marketing to men to colonization and the list goes on. They were an array of activists and rather smart cookies, and towards the end the panelist host asked, "Sometimes it's just all too much. The problems are too big. How can we even help?"

Welcome to my heart. This is how I feel every day. Sometimes I want to conquer the shit out of the world and other days I start to hyperventilate thinking of everything that is broken out there. It seems daunting and oh so overwhelming.

So, I was very interested to hear the replies. And they were oh so surprisingly helpful:

• Teach your children about human rights.
  Pass values down from generation to generation. They are the future. Teach them to stand up for their rights and others. Teach them to respect everyone regardless of age, gender, ethnicity. This is a no-brainer, but it's HUGE! It will be what changes the world. 

• Rejoice in the little celebrations
  Sometimes the movies or pop culture can make it seem like movements can take place in a day, week, month or year. Perhaps a couple years. But in reality, most movements are going to take a lifetime or more. Everyone is waiting for the BIG celebration - the day gay marriage is legal everywhere, the day that indigenous rights are fully restored, the day that gender equality is legitimate around the world. But the truth is, those things might not happen in our lifetime. It did not take a year to abolish slavery or to get the women's right to vote. But every step forward is advancing to that point and each moment counts. Therefore, we have to rejoice in the little things - the days when you hear children in your community caring for someone who has been bullied. The day you hear headlines like "Fredericton High School students hold dress code protest" - amazing. The day you realize that Jian Ghomeshi made the front news for weeks because he treated women wrongly and that finally it deserves a spotlight in the media because it's NOT okay. Let's celebrate these small moments, for they make the movement. 

• Organize an action of your own
  This is a great one and one I've never done solely on my own. I love taking a part in any kind of movement; however, and so last night I thought - well why couldn't myself and a couple of friends host that? We had an in depth conversation about this afterwards. Perhaps this is something that will come to fruition for me soon. 

• Self educate
  Big one. So important. There are so many times that people want to do something and they just don't know what. So start somewhere - read about it, go to lectures on it, attend webinars or seminars, volunteer with an organization close to the cause, and the list goes on. You can get involved by merely picking up a book (to start). It's easier than you think! 

• Speak up against injustice anytime you see it
  If you are in line at the grocery store and someone is being treated wrongly, say it. Say it out loud. So often we hear injustices and pass them with a blind glance. Everyone thinks, "someone else will say something." But what if it could be you? What if someone else was you? 

• Listen to every single story
  One of my favourite parts of last night was a woman who said, "When we connect and listen to each other's stories, we are already fighting the large forces of oppression." Listening is a radical force in itself. Really listen to other people's stories. Take a moment to figuratively walk around in their shoes. That in itself is so loving and so nourishing.

• Deconstruct harmful thoughts and beliefs in everyday life
  I think this is exactly what Maya Angelou is talking about up above. One of the panelists was a young man who works in marketing and studies marketing for men. He said often when a client is describing something to him they will simply say, "It looks too masculine." When he asks what masculine means to them, specifically, they start deconstructing it - it's too bold, too dark, too many harsh, straight lines, basically it's too foreboding. So he takes that opportunity to ask why that necessarily means masculine to them and starts a conversation that may shift their perspective. It really is a radical thought that you can start taking away negatives in any daily conversation. 

Ultimately, it comes down to one thing.

You must be careful about the words you allow in your house. And by changing your daily interactions, you can change the world. 

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Let's Celebrate Womanhood

Well my lovely friend, it's been awhile.

The third last time I wrote was (you guessed it) International Women's Day last year.

That's okay, I have been busy. Moving out to the woods and switching jobs and MCing weddings and sitting in meditation retreats and hiking the forest of my backyard and learning about International Development and social change and travelling to Vegas, Chicago, San Francisco, Halifax, Arizona, going home and spending time with my nephews and niece and well, just living.

But I'm back. For a very simple, yet significant, reason. It's time to celebrate women again.

Tonight I spent a couple of hours learning from a variety of women (and men) with different backgrounds, ethnicities and academic views, about what International Women's Day means to them. I then sat at a cozy bar drinking red wine with two amazing women friends of my own, debating the life and times of being a woman and what International Women's Day should really be about (in our minds).

There are sooooo many different trains of thoughts about what this day could mean (if, might I mention, you have ever even heard of this day. Sad to hear that so many people apparently have not. It's March 8th by the way, and has been around since 1908.) To some people, it could be a day to dissect and stand up for indigenous rights, LGBT rights, men's rights, civil rights, or gender equality. It could mean debating the difference between men and women and why don't men have a day? It could mean dissecting the various segments of being a woman - transgender, gay, bisexual or feminist.

But, after much reflection, I strongly believe it all boils down to this:

International Women's Day is a day of celebration for all of us.

It's a day of solidarity.

It's a day to rejoice on the advancements we have made over time, as a full-on-doesn't-matter-what-race-culture-age you are. It's a day to rejoice about the general species of: women.

A quick google search will show you about twenty sites that have these sad stats about being a woman:

• Women perform 66% of the world’s work and produce 50% of the food. However, they earn just 10% of incomes and own 1% of the property globally
• Out of 197 countries, only 22 of them have women currently serving as heads of state — just 11.2%
• In business, the gender gap remains wide. In the United States, for example, only 21 of the CEOs of Fortune 500 companies are women.
• In nearly every country, women work longer hours than men and are paid less*

But what I'm looking for are these kinds of facts:

• There are currently 17 countries with women as heads of government, heads of state, or both; this, according to the UN, is more than double what it was in 2005 (yes, this site said 17 instead of 22. It was written earlier than the one above, so look, we have five more in that stat above! More progress!)
• Generally considered to be the world’s first novel, The Tale of Genji was written in Japan around AD 1000 by Murasaki Shikibu—a woman.
• The two highest IQs ever recorded on a standard test both belong to women.
• Mary Queen of Scots has been attributed to creating the world’s first golf course.**

(Yes, the above seem like random facts, but I googled over and over "positive facts about women's rights" and "positive International Women's Day facts" and yet these were, quite literally, the best I could find. Hmmm. Next blog - more celebratory women websites).

In all seriousness, this week I have thought long and hard about what it means to be a woman. In my short life I have traveled to nations that are the poorest in the world. I've sat with women in oppressed regions: in the slums of India, in the dust and dirt of El Salvador. I have seen them laugh. I have seen them rise up against domestic violence. I have seen them plant food and cook feasts, nurture their children, and show more kindness than I knew possible. I have seen ingenuity. And brilliance. And passion. 

I have also sat in elite boardrooms with some of the most intelligent women to walk the planet here in Canada. I have seen those who have the most incredible outward (and inward) beauty - the best clothes that money can buy, the best make-up, the best hair, the nicest houses, the whole damn white picket fence. 

I have loved and admired both sets of women alike. And I've seen so many similarities. I have seen hard work and determination and grit in each and every single one of them. I have seen wisdom, grace, and nurturing spirits. It doesn't matter which set it's coming from, there is something seriously special about being a female. 

So what does being a woman mean, universally? 

It means loving with all of your heart. Taking risks and being vulnerable and opening yourself up to heartache on the behalf of others. It means spending long nights cooking and cleaning for people so that they will be pleased, happy, and nourished. It means not worrying about getting credit for the love that you bestow constantly - the light that you shine, because seeing others happiness is enough. It means loving from afar and letting go and holding tightly and not wanting to let go. Being a woman means being a life force. Literally. It means passing on the eternal breath of nature. It brings about motherhood, which I have not stepped into yet, but experienced through so many of my very closest loved ones and my own (possibly the best woman alive) my mother. This, to me, is everything in life. This has given every single one of you reading this LIFE. That is no small feat. That is no mistake by nature. That is something that needs celebrating.  

Being a woman means creating connections with girlfriends that only sisterhood can understood. It means that when a friend comes over after a heartbreak, you get the chocolate cake ready. It means when a friend is really going through tough times, you get the spare room ready, no questions asked. It might mean planting a garden, doing eight loads of laundry, settling thirty disputes, changing five diapers, cooking dinner for the family, and planning the next grocery list - all in eight hours. It might mean traveling all day for work and listening to eight co-workers concerns and making them feel special and forgetting to do your own yoga practice because other people need you and calling your girlfriend at 11 p.m. when you're meant to go to bed because she needs to know what to wear tomorrow. 

Being a woman means that you truly care.

It means being a mother, a sister, an aunt, a grandma. 

It's something that you cannot describe in so many words.

It means so much. 

My biggest wish is that everyone, on Sunday, March 8th, will spend the day just rejoicing in the womanhood around the world. Thank the woman next to you, or the one that gave life to you. Let's forget all the other segments it can break into and for one day - let's just celebrate womanhood.

* Source: http://www.theglobalist.com/10-facts-international-womens-day/
** Source: http://www.levo.com/articles/news/facts-about-women-international-womens-day

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Reminder: Life is a Mirror

I was recently in a class-like setting for a program I'm taking. There are ten people in this program and we all come from different walks of life. We are asked to face things about ourselves that may be tough to look at. Mistakes we have made. Patterns of behaviour that we have had. We talk about goals and decision making and getting to a higher place within ourselves.

So on our first day I walk in and see many young people there, a couple older ones, and one or two my age. There's guys and girls, many ethnicities, and a facilitator who is semi-retired and has a wonderful soul. He's now near and dear to my heart.

As we begin the discussions, we share details of our lives that may not be oh so comfortable to share. And, as always, there is one person in the group that tends to stick out. He's not sure why he is there. He explains that he's never made any mistakes and takes no accountability whatsoever for past actions. Instead, he wants to argue and ridicule, certain that he doesn't belong.

It makes the group uncomfortable and what could be a really strong, positive discussion is slightly off-put by the attitude of just one.

So I realize at this point that I have a few options. I came to the class to learn. I came to enhance my life, take a look at decisions I've made and take greater steps towards my own goals. I don't want it to be clouded by this guy - how could he ruin it with his silly jokes!

Then I think, I feel kind of sorry for him. He seems to really not understand the point of the group or the idea that if things happen to us, we can either be victims or we can be heroes that learn from mistakes and thrive triumphantly in the face of adversity.

Part of me wants to reach out to our teacher who is dealing with his bad attitude in a light-hearted manner. I want to hug him and say thanks for dealing with this jackass.

But finally, I settled on this. What is inside of that guy that is inside of me? Why do I want his behaviour to change? We cannot change others, but we can change what is in us that reflects and projects onto others.

So I begin to realize that maybe I'm a bit hostile to past mistakes. Although I've come to this class with an open heart, a thirst for growth, and a giant feeling of accountability, have I really dealt with some of the mistakes I might have made in my short life? And he's a very intelligent man who is proud of the good things he has accomplished, in a way I admire. Have I also really given myself credit for the good things I have done as well or do I downplay them instead?

When I began to look at him as part of me, my feelings toward the hostile situation changed. It's almost like I took the sensitivity out of the equation. Any frustrations or anger or embarrassment I had dissipated.  Instead I felt free.

Free to examine my own issues rather than focus on what's going on outside of me. "For whatever is going on outside of you, is going on inside of you." (I don't know who said that, but it felt quoteworthy.)

The people we meet are mirrors, reflecting back what's happening internally. I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason" as much as I believe that we see how things happen from how we are. Our own perspective leads us to interpret events in meaningful ways. It feels like it happened for a reason if you can make one for it. That's learning. That's growth. And that's wonderful.

It's deep, I know. But it makes a world of difference when dealing with certain situations in life. I've dated men who I have felt are immature or sensitive or too this or too that. And all of a sudden, this shift occurs when you realize that those are traits that are reflecting back from you. It's what you see in yourself that you see in others. I've also dated men or had girlfriends that I'm wowed by: that are intelligent and witty and confident. That is also strong traits of myself coming out in the people I have and love in my life.

All of a sudden, I realize that if I can strive to literally be the best me (so cliche) then I will see all of that best in others. And when I don't see the best in someone, I can take note that those traits are within me as well. Rather than being angry with them, I can fuel my personal journey.

It brings me back to the concept of ubuntu (my favourite African concept again): "I am who I am because of who we all are."

Reminder: life is a mirror. See the best traits in others and also see the worst. You can see what is going on inside of you in them. And remember that you can only change you. But in doing so - others may just take a note and change too.

And be kind. Always be kind.

So much love!

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Madiba. Mandela. Father. Husband. Leader. Grace. Hero. Spirit. Humanity. LOVE.

All words to describe the one and only Nelson Mandela.

In 2009, I travelled to South Africa to learn about a country that enchanted me. For whatever reason, I was fascinated with the history, the landscape, the culture, and to some extent, the history and the heroes behind the Apartheid struggle.

I read a lot to prepare for my trip - about the gold, the Dutch, the history, and about the greats: Oliver Tambo, Steve Biko, and of course, of Mandela.

Just before I was to leave, my buddy gifted me with the best present I could ask for - A Long Walk to Freedom - Mandela's autobiography.

I remember reading the book on the flight over, curious as to how I could feel in his home country. I can recall being so excited and highlighting all kinds of inspiring words and messages from his book, somewhere over the ocean.

He possessed diligence, patience, and major discipline, which was so opposite of everything I was up to that point. It inspired me. Messages like, "your spirit can be full even when your stomach is empty" prepared me for what I was embarking upon. In looking back at the tattered copy of that book that I still cherish, I flip open to sentences such as these:

• "It is what we make out of what we have, not what we are given, that separates one person from another," 
• "Courage was not the absence of fear, but triumph over it," 
• "Love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite,"
• "I would see a glimmer of humanity in one of the guards, perhaps for just a second, but it was enough to reassure me and keep me going. Man's goodnes is a flame that can be hidden, but never extinguished,"
  and
• "Perhaps it requires such depth of oppression to create such heights of character." 

I realize these words and ideas have stayed with me in silent whispers as I've lived out many other adventures since then in my life.

In Chapter 77, he talked of his home at 8115 Orland West in Soweto - the home he shared with Winnie Mandela before going to prison for 27 years. I told myself I would see Soweto if I could (later, I did).

Once I landed (in the Oliver Tambo airport in Johannesburg) and got to the conservation I was working on, I can recall eating breakfast looking out over the serene bankenveld, wondering what his veld had looked like. Wondering how he felt about life and love and all the issues you have when you are a 23 year old.

I can distinctly remember how over the top excited I was when I finished the book the very morning that I was to go on my Soweto / Apartheid tour.

Other than the fact that I got lost for three hours driving the highways of Jo'burg prior to finding the tour guide (scariest moment of my life to date), it was the most extraordinary day. We visited the Hector Pieterson Memorial Museum (from the 1976 uprising), we saw the South Africa Bill of Rights, we toured the Apartheid Museum, and we visited Mandela's home, #8115 Orlando West. I can still feel the pulse of Soweto in my veins.

I arrived home to the conservation so excited and glowing about that day that I was nicknamed "Mandela lover" by the other volunteers.

In my opinion, not the worst nickname one can receive.

This summer I have talked about getting a tattoo of the word UBUNTU. It is a word that means so much to me and it all I am who I am because of who we all are." It is the African concept of humanity. It means that I see others struggles in my struggles and I love others for all of their imperfections. That if I have one dollar and you have nothing, I share my fifty cents. It is more than a word; it is a spirit, a sense.

To me, Nelson Mandela is the symbol of humanity. He brought light to so much injustice. He suffered greatly, more than most of us could ever know, yet he always forgave. He was humble. He worked hard. He loved deeply. Isn't that what we're all here for?

He inspired an entire nation to freedom and showed us the true meaning of forgiveness. He inspired the world.

And in doing so, he inspired me.

Madiba, you are one of the true great inspirations of this modern world. And you will continue to teach me lessons and inspire me over the course of my entire life. As the world gathers at your bedside, we inspire you to live well or let go freely. You've left this world an entirely different - and better - place.

 -xo

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Patience Child

I guess you would call me the classic struggler to do things bigger and better all the time. I was out for a glass of wine after a hardcore study session last night and my friend Tara was literally giggling as I talked about all of the things I want to do / have a choice to do / may do in the next 6 months. Here we are, trying to finish the final course in our degree and I have a million more ideas of what I want to continue with school. A million places I want to travel and move too.

I thought of the smart words a friend of mine sent me awhile ago when I went through the same verbal diarrhea with her:

As for your next step - patience child. The wonderful time of renewal is just around the corner so take this time to let your recent adventure sink in and ponder your next steps while feeling calm and proud of what you're accomplished. I know for a fact it's part of the mid-20-something crisis that we're all going through and for perfectionists/high-achievers like yourself, it's even more difficlt. You aim to impress, please and succeed and I know you'll do it all - it will just take time. Everyone has their turn.

Ahhhh. What wise, wise words. There are a million things I want to do, but for now, I'm progressing towards them....slowly.

This made me pay even more attention to this article when a friend sent it my way last month on Releasing the Urge to Push and being Kind to Yourself Instead. The whole article is wonderful, but a snippet to pique your interest:

“Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.” ~John De Paola

...at very long last, I decided to undertake a project to be kinder to myself. I started sleeping more, and feeling better. I began eating what I wanted to eat instead of what I was “supposed to” eat. I stopped going to the gym six days a week and instead went when I darn well felt like moving my body. What happened then? Things blossomed. Life seemed easier, because I was consciously letting go of the urge to fight. Opportunities came to me.

I gradually began to notice that there was more good to be found in my life than bad—more ease than struggle.I’m a little afraid that I’m making this sound like an overnight shift into ease, or like my life is all rainbows and gumdrops now. That’s not at all the case. I’d say it’s been at least seven years since the first inklings of change took root...

...I’ve wanted to sacrifice the present moment for some imagined future, and I’ve stopped myself, hundreds of times, from doing so.I’ve thought to myself, if I put every spare cent in my paycheck toward paying off student loans, maybe I could be done sooner. I’ve wanted to skimp on buying the foods that nourish me in order to cut corners. I’ve wanted to stay up late and write another blog post, imagining the difference that midnight thrust might make in the future (a future that, as we all know, will never arrive, because by then I’ll be bulldozing on toward the next future).

Over and over again, I’ve reigned myself back. I’ve done what I can. I’ve gotten nine hours of sleep. I’ve eaten well and spent weekend afternoons in my pajamas watching Breaking Bad. I haven’t regretted it.

Every time I hold myself back from indiscriminately pushing, I experience the unsettling openness of being right here, right now. I become receptive to pleasure, nourishment, connection with other people, and connection with myself. In that moment, I accept my imperfections.

I begin to see everything that’s around me right now: the colorful people bustling down New York City sidewalks, the mosses peeking gently between stones, the light glinting off glass skyscrapers. I take a second to fight the urge to push, and that second transforms my life. If you can relate to that instinct to push yourself unnecessarily hard, you may want to try these simple guidelines to bring yourself back to the present:

• When you’re feeling the urge to push yourself harder, take a moment to pause before acting. Think about what you need most right now. Is it sleep? A nourishing meal? Connection with a friend? Whatever it is, do that.

• Close your eyes for a moment and pay attention to your body. Tune into where you feel tension, or anxiety, or where you just feel good. Take a few very deep breaths, into your belly. Ask yourself if you have any options right now that sound more appealing than pushing yourself harder. When you receive an answer, follow your instincts.

• Reach out to other people for help and input. Sometimes, we don’t see any options besides working harder. But other people, be they friends, therapists, coaches or mentors, can often see opportunities for self-kindness that we can’s see ourselves. You might be surprised by the insights other people have to share.

Read it all here >>

So if you're like me and you're a constant pusher, take the time today to be KIND to yourself. 

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