Wherever you go, there you are

Today marks my one year anniversary of moving to Kelowna.
I'm one week away from my 28th birthday.
And I'm here, in more ways than one.
Let me explain...

I look back on journals and blog posts from last year before I moved and I laugh. I was so excited-scared-nervous-anxious-exhilarated. I decided to move because the choice to stay was irrelevant. I could work from anywhere. I had no bonded ties holding me down. I grew up with many camping trips to the mountains and I wanted to reclaim the coziness and the awe-struck fantasy that I still had in my head about living near such majestic nature. I wanted organic farm markets that were on every roadside. I wanted to canoe on a lake or river close to my home. I wanted options for camping and hiking in my backyard. I had never been to Kelowna in my adult life, but I wanted IT. I have such a soft spot for the prairies and I want to make it clear that I know you can get many of the above there. It's just that for now, I wanted to try something new and the idea of BC tempted and drew me in.

I remember sitting in the kitchen at Aerins just before it was time to leave, with her and Ashley, thinking, "Will I have this sisterhood if I move away? Do I even know what I'm doing? I don't know anyone there. Maybe I'll hate it." I am pretty sure I cried. I knew I would miss my girls. I knew how painful it would be to leave my family. But I also knew that if I stayed somewhere for comfort alone, my spirit would suffer. So I took the leap and moved. Actually, I loaded up my car with only my cat and few belongings, and I drove the 26 hours from Winnipeg to Kelowna without ever having seen my room to rent or having met a soul that lived there.

This past year hasn't always been easy, that is for sure. I heard somewhere it takes about a year and a half before a place feels like home. But for whatever reason, this city and the country life just outside of it has swept me into it like a rushing river.

Fall and winter were undeniably cozy in front of a huge stone fireplace. I made friends, I re-connected with cooking and being alone with myself, and I deepened relationships with friends & family from afar. I made some mistakes and experienced broken hearts. But spring came early. I bought a kayak and started a garden...and somewhere in it all, I realized that when we make decisions to take a new job, or study something new, or move somewhere different, we aren't looking to find ourselves. We are trying to create ourselves. In each and every moment, we get to decide what the next will look like. Decisions such as having a bit more fun with your kids and worrying a bit less about the mess, or planting a garden, or applying for courses you always wanted to take - those are character building decisions. They shape who you can become. And you can continue to make new and different ones everyday.

I will also add that I probably could not have done this without the flexibility of the job I have, or the fact that I go home for work so often that I've seen my family and friends consistently throughout this whole adventure. So grateful.

So today I've lived here for exactly one year. Last night I went camping with two of my best friends here, two kids and two dogs. I left to go there after them so they had to leave me posters on the trees to guide my way. It was the best scavenger hunt I've ever been on because it led me through the woods to a lake, a fire, a campfire dinner, no cell service, and the moon - and it was thirty minutes from my house.

 We talked and ate delicious food, held hands around the fire and did yoga in the moonlight. We had some drinks and laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. We even thought we were going to get eaten by a bear at one point. As the sun set and there was a breathtaking pink sky, we talked about how quickly time passes. How vital it is to just soak it all up every moment. People always say that, but how many times do you actually sit back and really imprint a moment on your heart?

This morning, after coffee and kombucha, I embarked on a solo kayak journey to my favourite spot on Kalamalka. Once again, no cell service, just the sun and the waves and me. I brought four mind expanding, heart challenging books. I docked the kayak and napped and ate grapes and cheese fresh from a farm market on the road side. And then I swam in the crystal clear water. I made some new decisions for my next steps --- goals for my 28th year. On the way home, I stopped at my community garden, picked chard and cucumbers and tended to my other plants. A few people stopped me along the way to ask about my kayak or how much it was to get into the garden. I felt so at ease, so at home.

And tonight I hung out with a friend who I respect a ton and who has taught me a lot in the past year. As we sat out on my deck, overlooking the lights of Kelowna, I could feel myself back to last year - having just moved in - stepping out onto the deck and seeing the same sights, hoping to create a life here full of laughter and hope and growth. It's funny how these two moments have brought so much of that in between.

Let's just say that I'm physically exhausted and mentally and spiritually on fire.

I still don't know if it's the "right" move, per se. I'll never really know. But after a full year's reflection, I'm content. I'm right where I should be, for now. And I hope you know that you are too.

For wherever you go, there you are.

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Reminder: Life is a Mirror

I was recently in a class-like setting for a program I'm taking. There are ten people in this program and we all come from different walks of life. We are asked to face things about ourselves that may be tough to look at. Mistakes we have made. Patterns of behaviour that we have had. We talk about goals and decision making and getting to a higher place within ourselves.

So on our first day I walk in and see many young people there, a couple older ones, and one or two my age. There's guys and girls, many ethnicities, and a facilitator who is semi-retired and has a wonderful soul. He's now near and dear to my heart.

As we begin the discussions, we share details of our lives that may not be oh so comfortable to share. And, as always, there is one person in the group that tends to stick out. He's not sure why he is there. He explains that he's never made any mistakes and takes no accountability whatsoever for past actions. Instead, he wants to argue and ridicule, certain that he doesn't belong.

It makes the group uncomfortable and what could be a really strong, positive discussion is slightly off-put by the attitude of just one.

So I realize at this point that I have a few options. I came to the class to learn. I came to enhance my life, take a look at decisions I've made and take greater steps towards my own goals. I don't want it to be clouded by this guy - how could he ruin it with his silly jokes!

Then I think, I feel kind of sorry for him. He seems to really not understand the point of the group or the idea that if things happen to us, we can either be victims or we can be heroes that learn from mistakes and thrive triumphantly in the face of adversity.

Part of me wants to reach out to our teacher who is dealing with his bad attitude in a light-hearted manner. I want to hug him and say thanks for dealing with this jackass.

But finally, I settled on this. What is inside of that guy that is inside of me? Why do I want his behaviour to change? We cannot change others, but we can change what is in us that reflects and projects onto others.

So I begin to realize that maybe I'm a bit hostile to past mistakes. Although I've come to this class with an open heart, a thirst for growth, and a giant feeling of accountability, have I really dealt with some of the mistakes I might have made in my short life? And he's a very intelligent man who is proud of the good things he has accomplished, in a way I admire. Have I also really given myself credit for the good things I have done as well or do I downplay them instead?

When I began to look at him as part of me, my feelings toward the hostile situation changed. It's almost like I took the sensitivity out of the equation. Any frustrations or anger or embarrassment I had dissipated.  Instead I felt free.

Free to examine my own issues rather than focus on what's going on outside of me. "For whatever is going on outside of you, is going on inside of you." (I don't know who said that, but it felt quoteworthy.)

The people we meet are mirrors, reflecting back what's happening internally. I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason" as much as I believe that we see how things happen from how we are. Our own perspective leads us to interpret events in meaningful ways. It feels like it happened for a reason if you can make one for it. That's learning. That's growth. And that's wonderful.

It's deep, I know. But it makes a world of difference when dealing with certain situations in life. I've dated men who I have felt are immature or sensitive or too this or too that. And all of a sudden, this shift occurs when you realize that those are traits that are reflecting back from you. It's what you see in yourself that you see in others. I've also dated men or had girlfriends that I'm wowed by: that are intelligent and witty and confident. That is also strong traits of myself coming out in the people I have and love in my life.

All of a sudden, I realize that if I can strive to literally be the best me (so cliche) then I will see all of that best in others. And when I don't see the best in someone, I can take note that those traits are within me as well. Rather than being angry with them, I can fuel my personal journey.

It brings me back to the concept of ubuntu (my favourite African concept again): "I am who I am because of who we all are."

Reminder: life is a mirror. See the best traits in others and also see the worst. You can see what is going on inside of you in them. And remember that you can only change you. But in doing so - others may just take a note and change too.

And be kind. Always be kind.

So much love!

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Be the Change

I have been talking about starting an oh so cozy bookstore / fundraising venue / community connection center / cafe supporting local food and local artists for....oh ten years now? A place where you leave feeling like you've had an experience with the human heart. A place that can act as a catalyst for a whole community of people.

I've written out multiple "business plans" and carved out my creative ideas through photos and storyboards. I've volunteered with many organizations who would be perfect candidates for the "volunteer connection" aspect of my idea and I've seen a lot of international and local projects first-hand. I've shared my ideas at times with multiple people who can see it like I can. I've even fallen in love with various venues that would be perfect for what I'm thinking. And everywhere I've traveled, I've sought out the places that are doing somewhat similar things as I would love the chance to do.

Now? I want to make something happen with it. I feel like I'm living in an area where it could potentially work. Yet, I'm a bit aimless (and so effing busy) to know where to actually....start.

Today I got accepted to the Be the Change program in Costa Rica in August. It's put on by Global Volunteer Network - whom I traveled to both Africa and India with. It's a week long seminar put on by professionals who will help you cover all the aspects of starting up your own social entrepreneurship project / business or charity.

Watch the video here. It's truly inspiring >> 

I am SO excited. I know it would be what I need to meet like minded individuals and get motivated to really start working on my connection center idea. Only problem? It's $2500, it's in Costa Rica in August (when I'm travelling all over the country for weddings and work, oh my) and it would mean really being present to come away with a focused plan. 

Part of me knows it's meant for me. The other part is saying, "But weren't you finally going to settle down for a bit?" I feel lately like I live in the airport, or at client events or tradeshows. And I've been a rotten friend to some people because I'm always on the go. Isn't it more important to concentrate on those issues first?

If I don't end up going this year, I will be okay. But the one thing I know for sure?

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Reflection on my time away

On my last day in Ahuchapan, we were invited to speak at a campecino meeting in a squatters village. As we walked in, I recognized several of the farmers as those that we have seen over the past weeks - in the fields and in the community. The meeting was to discuss the opportunity for the clinic here to become a working project again - and about the Food Security project. On this last day, a very special moment occurred:

Jim & Felix were speaking (as I am still a-stuttering away in Spanish) and one of the gentlemen in the crowd motioned for me to come and sit between him and my favourite special lady - Maria - on a bench in the front row. Things slowed down for me a bit as I walked over, sat down, hugged Maria and gave her kisses and thanked him for inviting me in. It was a moment of being invited to sit with them, rather than stand apart from them. As I sat there, listening with the rest of them, tears came to my eyes because I felt for once that the difference between us evaporated - and just for a moment - I was one of them.

Our last morning in the fields.
To supply each of the campecinos one manzana
- just enough for their family & them -
we would need to fundraise between $150,000 - $450,000. 

The clinic building that is currently abandoned, but
ready to be fixed up provided we could find doctors and
medicine.

Our community meeting. Faces of the heartbeat of ES.

So how do you begin to digest these intensive weeks I've had here? I've received big real life lessons in sociology, philosophy, theology, geography, agronomy and international development. There is a long road ahead of me over the coming days and weeks and months as I get my situation at home worked out. However, a number of priceless knowledge has been given to me and my heart - just as I felt coming home six months ago from India.

I love how every conversation I've been having lately - be it with the community here, with the Canadians that were here building stoves, with my sister or with my friends that I met on the other side of the world - comes back to how we can make a sustainable difference in our own lives and the lives of those around us. And that starts with basic needs. We need to shift the way we are eating as we are causing ourselves all kinds of diseases. We need to shift the way we take care of Mother Earth as environmentally, again, we are causing all kinds of diseases and unrest...when in fact we are given this fertile earth that can grow amazing foods - without chemicals of any kind (unless you buy Monsanto-plagued seeds) - to nourish ourselves and our family. If each family had a little plot of land, a garden and some training, we would all eat well and be fully taken care of.

It's almost as if we need to revert back to simpler times, keeping our knowledge and advancements where they serve humanity only. It means nurturing Mother Earth to provide for us only what we need and then giving back to her where we can. It means if I have a dollar in my pocket - and you have none - I give you a quarter to get started. To share and live equally and in harmony. This is true abundance.

Abundance is not in having "things". It comes in having conversations and living in community. Abundance is having enough food to nourish our bellies and conversation, community and love to nourish our souls.

In going to Central America, in simply taking notes and giving a few smiles and organizing the project a wee little bit, I have given a tiny bit of myself. Yet, I have been given so much. I've been given the gift of reflection and appreciation for my own life, family and friends. I've been given lessons in what it means to truly live and thrive off of a tiny amount. I've been given the gift of renewal in my faith for a better world...if only we can all work together to make that happen.

Do I have to go back to my job? Yes. Do I like what I do everyday? Sure, most days. But in the end, does it give me the means to connect with others, to thrive in a communal workplace where we try to rise up for the greater good - that is left up to me to ensure. It could, if I work with the right type of clients who are wanting to do the right type of good out there. But does my job give me the means to try to continue on now, one step at a time, with my life? Yes. And as I figure out over the coming months where I'm going to move and what I'm going to do, I'm grateful for this.

And where will I go with this gigantic development project that still goes on down in El Salvador? Well, I need to find what skills I can give best to it. That makes me think it's important to look at when I was happiest there. And that's easy, in two situations do I feel really excited and happy: 1) in organizing the projects and getting a handle on what is being done, what has been done, and what needs to be done. In making sense of the chaos. This is the business side of me coming out. 2) in walking with the people. I simply feel my best when setting one foot beside the other with the campecinos and their families.

So what does that mean for next year? I have the opportunity to go down for a much longer time...to live and thrive within the community and to handle some of the project management. I'm not sure how I would make it work as this would not be a paid job, but from what I've seen, anything is possible. I just need Warren Buffett to read this blog and consider me as an investment...

In the Mayan calendar, the 13th baktun is ending. A cycle of 5,125 days. In December, we'll be starting the next cycle on this planet and from what I've heard, it's going to be one much more focused on how we can undo the hurts that we've laid on Mother Earth and start to thrive together.

The times...they are a changin'. 

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When Nothing Goes Right...

Go left.

Yesterday I found myself locked out of my car. Yes, I am the blonde who leaves her keys in the ignition, grabs her Spanish notebooks, wonders why the automatic lock isn't working, and manually locks the door.

Sits through an entire Spanish class having the time of her life, playing Spanish pictionary, acting out Spanish plays.

Comes outside and sees the keys glinting in the sunlight and...none of the doors will open. Great.

SO, I had to pay CAA $35 (since I don't have a membership) and wait 40 minutes - outside on the curb in a dress with 8 degree weather - for them to come.

But I kept reminding myself of one thing. When something goes wrong like this, it's your life trying to tell you something. Even just something small. How can I turn this unfortunate moment into fortune?

Writing. Being quiet. Listening.

So, I went for a walk down the block and enjoyed the beautiful, tree-lined street and character homes. It got me thinking about what I will eventually settle down in. I began to write, about life goals I have and some new ones cropped up. I got so absorbed in writing that when the CAA man did come, I had to hold my hand up like, "Oh just wait, I'm a little busy here. Please hold."

The CAA man was a young, handsome guy (CAA has handsome men working for them?) and he seemed to be happy when I confirmed I was indeed the damsel in distress. I thought to myself, "the Universe set this up! This is another reason why this happened. Grateful!"  He unlocked my door in three seconds flat and I commented on his mad breaking-into-cars skills. He said he'd like to be Nicolas Cage and looked delighted when I asked if I could be Angelina. We began chatting and he told me he was going to work on the rigs. And stop. I turned around to put my credit card back in my purse and looked up to the Universe thinking - oh jeez. Why do you have to send me all the rig guys?! Can't you send me a man who loves hiking, dogs, the outdoors with a healthy dose of the city and travelling for good purposes? So I politely thanked him and went on my way.

The moral of the story is this: what could have been a really awful night for me turned into a blessing of time and a lesson on how I react in situations. A few years ago, I would've cried on the phone to my parents, kicked my tires and stomped around like a mad lady. This time, I took care of what needed to be done to get my car open, laughed at myself for being so absent-minded, took a walk and tried to see the bright side. I got some serious goal-setting done. And then I got home and started looking for a bike. You can't lock your keys in a bike.

Love.

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